You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I am available for nakedness
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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