Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
