Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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