i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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