.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize