That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
