great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
