you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
