capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
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