I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
