If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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