Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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