Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize