Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
