i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
