i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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