I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
