Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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