I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
