"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
