i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Enjoy the penises
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize