Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
