can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
