yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
