i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
