I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
