When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize
