Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The power of my boobs compel you
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Someone signed my nipple.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
