I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
