This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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