Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
