Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
