I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He has the fingertips of a God
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