I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Bring me that man meat
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
