At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I smell like Dick and happiness
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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