sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
