Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
