Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
