this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
