Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
