why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
