I faked an abortion last night.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
