Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
