Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
