Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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