I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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