exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Hippo gnu deer
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
