I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
