I heard we made out
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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