Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I faked an abortion last night.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
