we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
