Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
