I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
