just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
