Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She told me I should be a condom model.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just had sex on a roof
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize