I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
