A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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