It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize