hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
im on a boat
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