Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
